♥ Time to Change

Apabila doa akhir tahun dibaca, syaitan akan mengeluh dengan berkata.. “sia-sialah kami sepanjang tahun ini kerana dia telah memusnahkan usaha kami, hanya dengan masa yang sebentar saja..” Salam Ma’al Hijrah 1430H..

♥ Inni Akhafullah

Hati apabila sentiasa dalam leka dan lalai, hati itu tidak akan mencari hikmah, tetapi hati itu akan sentiasa mendahagakan apa-apa yang menyenangkan hati dan nafsu. Humans are all nafsu-driven by nature. Hmm. Astaghfirullah. Inni akhafullah.. Baik! Kurangkan bercakap perkara yang sia-sia dan lagha di ofis! (despite the fact that my workstation is always being used by my colleagues as their best rendezvous! ermm..)

Owh, my eldest sister is expecting for a new kiddo! ala.. potong line.. isk isk.. takpelah, alhamdulillah, rezeki kan.. ya Allah, percepatkanlah dan permudahkanlah bagi kami berdua.. Amin..

♥ Updating..

Setelah sekian laama menyepi.. upon request, blog yg humble ini akan di updatekan insyaAllah.. sebenarnya, memang dah lama sgt left behind, tiada selera nak update, especially when it has nothing new to tell.. well, life must go on.. keep on surviving, insyaALLAH!

Alhamdulillah, sekarang ni rasa tenang sket, bila dah start kerja dan menyibukkan diri dengan kerja kat pejabat (belum betul-betul sibuk lagi), bila pulang ke rumah, uruskan rumahtangga (yang tak sebesar mana pun sebenarnya!) Hehe..

There are some changes which are inevitable.. Perlukah nak ceritakan semuanya ye? Hmm.. yet there are secrets that must be treated as secrets.. hehe.. actually yesterday mmg agak sedih sebabnye? Penantian selama 2 bln telah berakhir.. False alarm! Takpelah, belum ada rezeki lagi.. insyaAllah, biarlah lambat sket pun takpe, mungkin hasilnya lebih sempurna..

Tertarik dgn salah satu isu hangat skang ni, yoga yg diharamkan.. kalau ikutkan mmg berminat nak follow, tapi bila dikaji movement & stepsnye (from a cd I bought – for dummies), ada jugak yg seakan2 position semasa solat.. contohnya duduk antara dua sujud & tahiyat. So terbaca pulak 1 pendapat yang menyatakan lebih kurang mcm ni lah setelah dibuat interpretation: buat ape perlu kita bersusah-payah belajar yoga etc, solat 5 waktu sendiri dah cukup untuk tenangkan fikiran dan hati serta menyihatkan badan.. Hmm.. memang betul pun.. kalau kat ofis, pukul 1.00 je terus ke surau, sebab nak solat dulu (zohor awal jugak skarang ni kan), sebab nak ilangkan stress & nak segarkan balik muka & anggota badan yang cramp kat workstation.. lepas solat, baru selesa nak buat apa-apa aktiviti pun, makan ke membaca ke.. lagi satu tidakle terkejar-kejar mcm yg slalu terjadi bila makan dulu baru solat.. ditambah lak dgn surau yg kosong & aman sbb belum ada yg nak solat – others sibuk nak makan dulu.. heee..

Petang, siap2 ke meeting union dgn boss.. dapat watikah perlantikan union.. wah.. mcm besar jugak tanggungjawab yg diamanatkan ni.. so lepas ni kenala dengar aduan sebarang ketidakpuasan hati rakan sekerja.. then uruskan bebudak yg buat tagging, kesian, bertambah tense nye mereka kerana Datuk tak approve coding lama.. so terpaksa retag balik.. takpalah, mmg ada niat nak blanja bebudak tu makan, sbg rasa appreciate di atas tungkus-lumus mereka menjalankan tugas..

Balik lewat, lepas maghrib baru berjalan ke putra dengan syu. Turun di sentral, off to subang. Due to the delayed train, terpaksa tunggu sampai 8.30. Cramped dlm tren tu astaghfirullah, sabarjelah. There’s a lady – malay, wearing tudung, who reaally made me pissed off. This lady hold the tiang infront of me like tanak bagi org lain paut gak kat situ.. ler.. sampai ade makcik sbelah dia pun tak dpt nak paut sama. Ler.. kalau tanak share, jgn naik tren ler.. 9.15 baru sampai subang, he fetched me up, headed to uptown. Makan2 then balik. Sampai rumah dlm 10.45, mandi, kemas2, siap2kan baju etc, then 12.00 tido. Memang penat masyaAllah. Tapi takpelah, yg penting dapat tidur cukup, recharge balik tenaga untuk kerja esok. Okeylah. Cukup dulu sampai sini. Time to recharge! ;)

♥ Melancholy

If tear could build a stairway, and memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again..

My son would have been 1 year today had he lived.

For anyone who has lost a child, and I myself have lost one, the pain, anger and sorrow don’t become any less sharp. Those feelings may take a back seat to the inevitable everyday tasks and duties that we must carry out, but I find the smallest reminder can easily bring them to the fore again. For me, it is birthdays or holidays, a certain child’s cry, baby booties or a child s eyes looking into mine. I used to ask myself if it was wrong to continue to feel the grief so deeply until I read a story of another woman who had also lost a child. She, too, had the same conflicts of emotion: the need to “get on with life” and “snap out of it” versus the need to keep our children’s memories alive.

When we lose a child, especially if it is sudden and unexpected, it is as if a part of us dies too. There is a strong connection with our children which starts from the time a single seed is fertilized and becomes a living being. For mothers, there is no relationship more intimate that that of a woman with her unborn child during pregnancy.

Because of this, we feel our children’s every hurt, we instinctively know what they need, and we live to protect them. When they die, the loss of this “human” connection can bring on the most terrible kind of grief. Because we feel that we must “move on,” many of us keep this grief internally, afraid to admit that it doesn’t get any better. Having said that, there are ways of managing the pain and grief, so that it doesn’t overwhelm your life and does allow you to move on. Here are the things that I found helped (and hope could continue to help) me:

Grieve. I think it is OK to grieve, and there need be no time limit to your grief. Grieving is healthy and it helps you to rationalize your feelings.

Talk about it. You may feel that you don’t want to talk to people, because you don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. However, not talking about your child may make you as if they never existed or were no longer a part of your life; and they are!

One of my greatest achievements was when someone asked me how many children I had, and I said one, but died. Technically, I would have said none. Yes, there may be an awkward moment on the part of the listener, but to me, I have acknowledged my children. Once it becomes apparent that I am not uncomfortable discussing it, the listener will relax too and the awkwardness will pass—for both of you!

If you keep your child’s spirit alive, you will keep yourself alive and your emotions balanced. Talk about your child, what they did, how they looked, what they might have been like now. You will find the memories uplifting and your child will continue to be a part of your family. More importantly, you may find that the grieving process becomes easier. I am not saying that we should build a shrine for a lost child, but by the same token, I personally believe that it is unhealthy to simply stop talking about them.

Take the good days with the bad. Even years and years following the death of your child, you will have your good and bad days. This is normal, we are not super women, we are human. When I woke up this morning, I said to myself “It’s Adib’s birthday. He would have been 1yr today..” Last night I cried—a deep, soul-wrenching cry. Then I thought & talked about him. It helped a lot. When you have a very bad day, keep busy.

Accept and be blameless. This is the hardest thing of all. You may not accept that they had to die, but learn to accept that they did. One thing we will never know the answer to is why it had to be our child, so tormenting ourselves with “what if” and “if only” will only cause unnecessary and unhealthy guilt. What my husband keep telling me are:

- Accept that what has come to pass cannot be changed.
- Accept that it is you who are still living and live.
- Accept that life can be too short and live each day as if it is your last.

Happy birthday, Adib! We love you soooo very much!

♥ 2nd Anniversarry..

Special message from my hubby.. so so touching.. thanx abang.. love u always.. insyaALLAH..

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♥HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!♥

(to my wife: Nul, from her loving husband!!)

Thank you Allah for this awesome woman! This has been the best year of my life, and it is all because of her (living for You) in my life. I look forward to the many years ahead with you, and our children (however many Allah would Bless us with)!

Nul, you have been such an encouragement in my life since day one. For praying for me every day and night. You have become my best friend, and everyday we grow closer and closer together. Tonight we celebrate how richly we are blessed; our marriage.

The passion was as strong as ever, the desire to be with each other grew even more after the marriage, and everything was always in the right place in my heart. While others are being torn apart, fighting over money and custody, I am at home with you every night of the week happier then ever. The opportunity to tell you; the woman of my life, just how much I love you and how much you mean to me every day is more then I could ever ask for.

You certainly are all I will ever need to die a happy man.

I know my life has never, and will never be the same with you here, and trust me, it has changed for the better and continues down that road every moment!

To all who read this, I just want to proclaim my love, special Gift from ALLAH, my one-and-only helpmate & soulmate, my WIFE… Noorul Izzah @ Nul..

I love you darling, Always and Forever… ♥♥♥