♥ Your Birthday..

4th November, 2007

Losing a child has got to be
The very worst ordeal for any parent
You believe that you’ll go first

You protect them from the day they’re born
And give them all your love
Then suddenly the moment comes
When they’re taken up above

You never really get over it
But you have to carry on
You cry forever for your baby
The heartache just goes on.

But now you are with Him
And I have to understand
He’ll cuddle you and love you
And always hold your hand.

Mama cant sleep, and cant stop thinking of you.. :’)

♥ Our Precious..

Dear blog,

Assalamualaikum..

It looks like this is the last post for the parenting journey series i planned to do since i have delivered the baby on the 4th of July 2007.. so sad that the 1st post was only a day before the delivery. it was still too early as the baby is only 23 weeks old so he didnt survive.. yes, he’s a boy and we named him MUHAMMAD ADIB..he weighed 1.02 pounds and he was so perfect.. he was asleep, he was pink, he also had a lot of dark hair, he was quite long, his tiny little fingers, hands, legs and toes, even the fingernails were all perfect.. we kept on saying how beautiful, perfect and tiny he was.. masya Allah..

I was about to post few scan pic and some clinic visit but i guess its all history now.. i remember my hubby said “i have my cam that day but trust me i just can’t shoot a thing…” until today he just can’t see anything worth to shoot but didnt regret not shooting the baby. He just can’t do it. luckily i was able to go thru a normal labour process and now doing well i am, alhamdulillah. and i am eternally grateful to have him beside me all the time.. he was truly wonderful during my labor with his tremendous support..he is my soul mate and without his love, care, kindness, devotion and understanding i think i would have given up. We did have our bad times but we weren’t prepared to give in.

When i had my first scan, we could see our little baby for the first time on the screen, the baby was growing, everything was fine. Everyday my little bump was getting bigger and stronger. I would just sit, watch and wait for movements..No one knows exactly how special this baby was to us both. A new little life was growing inside made of out of so much love. We just couldn’t wait for our baby to be born to love and cherish for ever.. But our precious baby boy was finally there with us and we never heard a little cry.. total silence.. Everyone was crying in the delivery room, it was so sad.. Nothing anyone could say or do could ease the pain we were going through..

Looking back now, i realise and understand that as traumatic as it was - it was God’s way. There is not a day that passes by when we do not think of our baby. We always tell we have a son - our little angel when people ask how many children we have. After all Adib did exist. And i never thought that i would be able to look back and smile at those difficult and sad times.. to this day i can still remember how it felt.

I just wanna say thanks to all that wish us well.. I really can not put in to words how much all of my close family mean to me/us and wanna thank them all for their kindness and support throughout this traumatic time.. Although a new chapter has begun, the begining is with us each and everyday of our lives.. We plan a second honeymoon trip before this blessed Ramadhan and hopefully everything will turn up fine after that..insyaAllah.. wish us well and thank you. Allah bless u all.. Amin.

♥ Difficult.. try.. over..

As difficult as it may seem, u gonna have to try and make it over.. Izzah! La tahzan!!

♥ We will always love you..

I always wanted to know how things were for other people. How much weight were they gaining, what their bellies looked like, when they went into labor. So, of course, I wanted to know when people felt the baby kick.

When I thought of my baby in there, I always imagined a little thing, just walking around on the walls of my uterus. Yes, I know it sounds silly. I get it. But? That’s what I thought. A mall-walking fetus. Trying to explain to someone what those first few kicks are like is trying to explain a sneeze. You see it in your mind. You can almost feel it, but you can’t put it to words.

A girl I knew had described the feeling as “butterflies in her belly.” I went weeks waiting for the butterfly feeling. It never came. Then I started waiting for big kicks. They didn’t come either. Even better, it is more like trying to describe a fart, since that is the portion of your body that is all wonky, anyways. Go ahead. Describe one. I’ll wait.

Finally, I caught on and put the cellphone + the walkman on my belly. When it started to bounce, I knew it was the baby. Even though I couldn’t feel my baby, I could see that he was kicking. The best part about when the baby started to kick meant that we had “Interactive Fetus!” Interactive Fetus was a lot of fun. You could blow on your belly and make her jump. If you pressed enough, he’d start to kick.

And sometimes, if her Daddy stuck his face next to the belly and talked long enough, he’d kick him in the face. Haha.. i love my baby.. ;)